It’s been awhile since I’ve used my tumblr for ranting or even venting to anything. It’s been so long. For the pass year or so, I’ve been through so much. From family, friends, and significant other to financial issues, transportation, and school. In all honesty, all of this stuff takes a toll on a person.
With my family, I could never be up front with them. I always had to be careful with what I said because they literally were the people supporting me. I think my problem is that I can never show them why I love them or just show them that I love them in general. I’ve always wished that I can sit at the dinner table with my family and finally feel as if I was apart of the family. Usually I feel left out or non existent to them.
With my friends, I was always scared of them. I’ve realized that this whole time I’ve been scared of them only because I was always so scared of losing them. And my thoughts were “if I didn’t do what was expected of me, then I would lose them.” I know right, shouldn’t friends be helping each other and not expect anything from one another. I think that should apply to everything in general. Never in my life have I ever been scared of my own friends like that, especially my close ones. I’ve always wondered how it would be like if we went back in time and did the same thing. But realizing that going back would mean being that same person, then I don’t want to go back. I know my close friends have always been there for me and they know if they needed help, I’d be there in a heartbeat. But all this has been on my mind for so long. And not being to face-up to this problem of mine is start to reflect on my friendships.
With my significant other, we’ve done so much together and we’ve tried everything that there is try. At this moment and time, the only thing I want from us is to fix ourselves. Maybe that was the answer to our problems all along. Not being happy with ourselves was the biggest problem in our relationship. I don’t want to consider a relationship until I’m happy with myself.
I don’t want to consider anything until I am happy with myself. I’ve fallen into the deepest darkest parts of myself. Now, I want to be alone. Away from everything.just concentrating on myself. Maybe then, everything will finally be ok. Everything will finally be ok…